Tesla Model S Plaid’s no strings attached 0-60 mph time is 2.28 seconds

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Still very, very, quick. But, let’s talk.

This whole thing reminds me of how South Park’s Randy Marsh measures his junk. According to Mr. Marsh, the right way to measure your penis size is by using an “Adjusted Penis Size or TMI” formula — ((L*D)+(W/G))/(A^2) — which he describes as Length times Diameter plus Weight over Girth divided by Angle of the tip squared.

Marsh even gives an example: “Randy Marsh has a penis that is 4.4 inches in length. Its angle is 32 degrees. Its flaccid girth is 1 inch in diameter. His balls are 7 cm from the base. Randy notes that the drift of his penis is 4 cm to penis right and its dead weight is 0.5 kg. Therefore, Randy’s Adjusted Penis Size or TMI is 6.3 inches”.

Now, let’s talk about the Model S Plaid controversy. At the time of publishing this story, the Model S official webpage still mentioned a 0-60 mph time of 1.99 seconds, but there’s an asterisk — which I believe a lot of us (including me) conveniently ignored (I’m not entirely sure if that asterisk was present when the Plaid was announced in October 2020). If you scroll down the same webpage, you’ll see a footnote for that asterisk that says “with rollout subtracted”.

What’s more hilarious is that Tesla uses the rollout subtraction thing only on the Plaid.

That’s right, just like Randy’s TMI, the 1.99 second time can be achieved only when you strictly follow Tesla’s own rules. MotorTrend got access to a Model S Plaid and it reports that Tesla insisted the publication attempt the 0-60 runs only as per the rules set by the carmaker.

Speaking of which, the rules include rollout subtraction (a tradition in the North-American drag racing community to eliminate 1 foot or 0.3 metres from the calculation) and VHT-prepped surface. VHT, also known as PJ1 TrackBite, is a black resin/glue that is used by the drag racing community to make the cars accelerate quicker than on normal asphalt. So what’s the time without any of this nonsense? Well, according to MotorTrend, the Plaid accelerates from 0-60 mph in 2.28 seconds, which is still a very impressive number but I don’t understand why Tesla had to resort to b.s. like rollout subtraction, that too only for Plaid and not for the Long Range version. Read MotorTrend’s full report here. You might also wanna watch Jason Fenske’s explanation below.